The summer of sorrow. For our central Michigan communities those words fit so well. Each season there are hundreds of deaths here, but this summer has had many very pubic deaths, all affecting each of us, whether we knew the people or not.

My years at Woodland Hospice have taught me many things. One of the most important is that grief is an odd thing. There is no one emotion that is grief. It is a jumble of emotions, shock, sadness, anger, disbelief, resignation among them. And grief is something else. It is normal. Even though it feels very abnormal, grief is a normal process.

How long does grief last? There are no rules. It takes as long as it takes. For some losses it takes several years. Each person and each death is different. No one should judge or question how long another has grieved.

One question often asked is “What do I say?” There are several things that are helpful to someone grieving. A simple ‘I’m sorry” is good. If you know of a touching story or a funny story about the person who has died, share it with his/her loved one. Use the name of the person who has died, especially if the one who died was a child. Tell the loved one how the person who died impacted your life or your family, or your community.

It is also important to remember what not to say. Grieving people do not find it helpful to hear, “It is for the best” or “I know just how you feel” (you don’t) . Don't tell them to call if they need you (they won't). And resist the impulse to tell a story about your own loved one’s death.

Helping a grieving person doesn’t end with the funeral. Typically support begins to drop off within a week or two and yet the first year is very difficult. It is filled with firsts. Call the person whose loved one has died around significant dates, the first Mother’s Day, the first birthday or anniversary and holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Don’t be afraid to mention the name of the one who died. Don’t worry about “reminding” someone of a loss. They haven’t forgotten, it is at the top of the mind. Mentioning the one who died opens a door for healing and is a great gift to the bereaved.

As our communities come to terms with all that has happened in the past few months there’s much we can do to take care of each other and help each other through it. It is simple human kindness and it goes a long way in helping each of us heal.